Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
This is the chorus that I've been singing in my head. I found out on Saturday, while I was hanging out with some of my most favorite people, that I had an extra reason to be joyful that day. I found out that because of the outpouring of my church family in addition to all of the support that's already been given and committed to be given over the next 11 months, I AM FULLY FUNDED!!! I am beyond ecstatic and so completely humbled at the same time.
Now I know that God has always been faithful to me despite my lack of reciprocation over the years, but to actually pray that God would make Himself evident to me in ways that I couldn't miss it and for Him answer so blatantly has been so satisfying. It's one thing to know that His faithfulness exists, but it's so much more to acknowledge it.
There hasn't been a single moment that I have doubted that this is exactly what God has been putting in place for some time now. Most days I still find myself not even really knowing how to ask Him eloquently to forgive my ignorance of His daily provision or trying to wrap my head around something that doesn't even belong in my head in the first place.
But the consequence of being humbled daily by Him being blunt with me and making Himself so evident in everything that I would have to be a fool to miss it has been so rewarding. It has made it unbelievably clear of how undeserving we are of His grace and how quick we are to take His grace and turn into entitlement. We make the mistake of getting so used to His blessings and allowing them to waiver how we feel about His provision/plan/expectation for our lives that we allow it to gauge how close we draw ourselves to Him.
Knowing that this is the life I led before these past 5 months has only brought one reoccurring thought, how stupid do you have to be to try and make Christ logical? Nothing He ever does is logical, it never makes sense how He brought it to form, and usually by the time we are able to see all of the pieces He's put together so perfectly we are way beyond a point of the logistics even serving any purpose because He's already put you where He wanted you.
So basically all of this draws to one conclusion.
I am a completely undeserving, ignorant fool of a human, but because of Him, I am also a sought after, abundantly provided for and fulfilled daughter of God.
Today marks the three week point. Three weeks from today I will be getting on a plane and leaving LAX headed to the Philippines. Today began a whole new level of thoughts. These thoughts have been kind of resonating for a while, but I guess it took me some time to really admit how real they are.
Today began the first of many goodbyes to come over the next few weeks. So many people ask questions in the midst of their goodbyes that I have tried to kind of think beyond, take it on with more of a Matthew 6:34 approach. So simple, and yet immensely comforting all at the same time. However, it's slowly becoming more real.
I don't think it'll fully be real until the first month passes or I hit a series of hard days along the way and I find myself longing for a comfort zone of what comes easy to me or the safety of being around the people that are comfort for my soul. But the desire for growth that God wants for me is starting to stir now.
I can't figure out how to express the stirring that's occurring in the depths of me in a way that wouldn't lessen everything that I know God is trying to tell me I'm capable of. With that being said, this song compels me, it is my declaration for this year. I hope that the chorus is my heart's comfort zone and safety for the next eleven months.
While I know you are all heartbroken that the TTToT series is over, know that there will be plenty of posts to come.
I thought most of you might like to know the 411 on my dealio for realio. Yes, I did just say that.
I found out my launch date: September 13, we will be leaving from LAX headed to the Philippines!!! If you can't tell, that series of exclamation points means I'm very excited. (I learned that from my 8th grade girls.) So I will be leaving DFW on September 12 to head to LAX so that I can get a good nights rest before the first of many long transportation adventures to come. Don't worry Ma, while I am excited about checking out LA, I promise I won't go to LA Ink and tatted up, I'll definitely wait until I'm in foreign country.
I'm officially only $2,500 away from being fully funded! It's been amazing to see God provide everything I could ask for and more over these past 4 months of fundraising and preparation. Thank you so much to those of you who have promise to pray it out on my behalf, which is way cooler than walking it out, and to those of you who have financially supported me in this endeavor. Speaking of which, it's still not to late if you feel so moved as to support at a later time you can do that by clicking on the support me link on the left and it'll walk you through the steps.
I have 35 other squadmates that I get to spend the year with, and absolutely cannot wait to live in community with them for the next 11 months. You may have read about them already. If you haven't, check it out. Within our squad we have small teams of 6 that we do ministry with. So without further ado, please allow me to introduce them to you.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, dogs, cats, frogs, fishes and anyone else that wants to know, I proudly give you The Liberators! (what you can't see or hear is the crowd that is screaming and cheering with sheer excitement right now--you can get the effect if you will use your imagination while cupping your hands to your mouth and make a hhhaaaa noise with your breath--just an option)
All of this should be read with an announcer voice in your mind...
Next, we have Tamara Powers, whom I have decided to call T-Pow
Next we have Sarah Patterson, whom I have named Little Monster because that's what happens when you don't feed her often enough
Next there's Kathleen Schmidt, I told her during training I would be calling her Random Woman (this one is in a excited superhero voice) she knows everything about camping and then some
Last, but certainly not least, we have Nikki Kilmer, this girl loves her some pink, she's hoping to grow my love of pink over the next 11 months
So there you have it everyone, The Liberators are going to a country not near you!
I am excited to spend my year on the race doing ministry with these ladies. We all have so many things to offer each other and we all have the same vision of what we want for our team to be on behalf of Christ. It comes from Isaiah 61:1-3- 1The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD hasanointed me to bring good news to the poor;he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, andthe opening of the prison to those who are bound; 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; 3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD,that he may be glorified.
1. For the first time in my life I know what it feels like to know my God as a Daddy, and that I am truly His daughter.
This was hands down my favorite truth of the week.
We have this tendency to address God as our Father, which he very well is, but it’s so formal. So disconnected. It seems like one of those things that you just know is proper etiquette or something so you address Him that way. In no way should our relationship hold the slightest capacity of being formal. I mean He knows everything about you, more than He’s willing to let you know about yourself, but He’s completely willing to let you know Him as much as you want.
Our worship leader for the first part of the week was Jonathan David Helser, and there was one song inparticular that I connected with the most. I feel like this song was just the story of my relationship with Christ. It brings with it this emotional tie of deep reverence because He rescues me from everything I get myself into.
As we are just singing and meditating on it he explains that putting our hands up in the air is a national sign of surrender. That we can go anywhere and throw our hands up for others to know that we are giving up. He explained that he’d always known it, but that it never meant that much to him until he made a connection one day. He said his son ran up to him threw his arms in the air and asked him to pick him up and swing him. At that very moment it clicked for him. He finally knew what Christ felt like every time we stood before Him with our hands raised high in surrender. We were giving Him the opportunity to pick us up and swing us around.
Upon his explanation I really started meditating on that and what it must be like for Christ every time we choose to not just see Him as our Father, but trust Him as our Daddy and take off running at Him with our arms thrown high just anxiously waiting to be picked up.
Immediately I started having these flashes of when I was little girl and my dad used to play with me and the joy it would bring me. I knew as a kid that in that moment he was completely delighted in everything that I was. Even though as a child you aren’t at an age to make that intellectual distinction, your heart is just filled with it, you just know. At that very moment it clicked, and for the first time ever I felt Him delighting in me. Not just looking back at me being intently focused on Him, but just this outpouring of how captivated He really is by me and how much joy I bring Him when I choose Him over everything else. It just filled my being to the point I didn’t think I could hold anything else inside.
It was this complete experience of swimming in utter satisfaction of Him being my Daddy. I felt giddy like a child, unhindered by everything around me and completely admonished of all worries because when Daddy’s with you, He’s got it covered.
2. I've learned what it means to worship with an abandoned heart before Christ and not care at all who's watching.
One of the many blessings of training camp was that we had the privilege of worship every morning and evening, a double dose! I don’t know about you, but singing praises and making declarations of who God is through song is one of my favorite parts of life with Christ. I am not a singer by any means, I mean I at least sound better than Happy Feet when he’s belting his heart song, but the fact that my heart is what God hears instead of my voice brings me a certain freedom.
I know that when I’m worshipping Him I have His most sincere and undivided attention. Even more astounding than that, I know my community is getting the same undivided and sincere attention that I am. Through pouring our songs, praises, acclamations, declarations and just flat crying out to Him we are building up the body. We are edified in Christ both personally and as a whole at the same time without any of us feeling that He is a God of lack by diverting His attention from one to the other, but we get to experience Him as a King of abundance instead, giving each of us all of the attention we could need! (thank you caroline!)
Worship has always played a major role in my life. Sadly a majority of it hasn’t been spent chasing after God and all of the desires He has for my life, but instead it’s been spent chasing after the world and everything it doesn’t have to offer me. Ever since the beginning of the summer when I sold all of my belongings I have felt this freedom. A new chance to start living life the way I should have been all along. But that freedom didn’t come full circle until my time at training.
Training camp was definitely a "bubble," and typically I am not a fan of bubbles because I feel like they shield you from the necessaries of life. However, this week I needed that bubble more than I could have ever realized. Being surrounded by 147 other people screaming out everything they had for Christ, like there wasn’t a volume that could justify how intense the connection was with Him in those moments will capture you. It will challenge you. It will change you.
I will be forever surrendered before Him in worship because of it.
3. I love that I have been able to know a different level of connection with it comes to communicating with Him incessantly.
Do you ever just feel drawn to someone? Like completely connected before it even makes sense? They just work for you for some reason, and it’s mutual.
I was drawn in. I was connected. It was mutual.
I could audibly hear Him talking to me day after day, slowly breaking me down in love, in Him. Letting me see just how much I still have to learn and how much more effort I need to put forth. But in the midst of all of the struggle, all of the tears and defeat, I felt victorious. I knew in those moments that He wasn’t done yet, that He’s not giving up on me anytime soon, not now, not ever.
Not only is He going to rebuild me, but He is going to do so in His perfect and divine timing. In the midst of His rebuilding He’s explained how He’s going to grow so many new parts of the me that are to come.
How to give grace until I think I’ve run out and then give it more.
How to truly love on people from the sincerity of my innermost soul not just act like it.
How to patient in all that I do ultimately understanding that it has nothing to do with me.
How to long for community among His people, both foreign and known to me.
How to become not just an individual in Him, but a woman in Him.
I can’t think of a time in my life that God has spoken so clear to me, in fact, He was so real I could almost smell Him. I also can’t think of a time that I truly hit my knees in surrender before then.
So many things to come, so much anticipation. The very privilege of having God mold me with His own two hands into exactly who He wants to see before Him is both humbling and fulfilling.
I have never known this kind of clarity in what He wants from me, but I also never asked. This song played on repeat in my head from that point on...Matt Maher-Hold Us Together
4. I love love love my squad, it's "ouR Joy Squad"--these people feed me all the time without even realizing what they're doing.
This one of my favorite truths of training I’m writing about. There are so many ways that God blew my mind during that week, but my new love for community definitely enveloped my heart in an instant and grew over those 8 days. Even better, it’s still growing!
All I have done since I’ve gotten home is babble on and on to anyone who’s willing to listen long enough about how much I love my squad family. I’ve have never known that kind of instantaneous love. No need for questions or answers really. It’s amazing how God ordains and edifies relationships that are going to further His kingdom before we have the slightest inkling of what’s to come.
We were able to come together as a family right away, partly because ouR squad is the best, but mostly because we were able to build off of a foundation that had already been set in stone and secured for us. All we had to do is act in the freedom of community that God had already established.
We all came with the same desires, to further the kingdom. We all came with the same passions, stepping out in expectation of God to change us so we can change others. We came so that we can know what it means to live and love beyond ourselves in community.
The bonds built in those 8 days will only be magnified over the next 11 months, and knowing how much I love everyone now makes it hard to think about what it will feel like to love everyone that much more when our time is up.
I have to admit, it’s so much easier for me to love on others once they have loved on me. I think a lot of people are that way. We choose to love, and we express love, but it’s almost like we fight giving it until we get enough back; complete selfishness. It makes me think of what it must be like for Christ to just pour his love into us over and over again just waiting on us to just give in a little bit and recognize Him enough to love Him back; complete selflessness.
It’s my prayer that I would take the same vulnerability I never knew I was capable of giving to squad family I just met to God. That’s the least He deserves from me.
So, thank you to my squad family for loving on me, not only because it gave me excuse to love you back, but because it opened my eyes to the joy of loving Him back.
5. Turns out, washing your clothes in the sink with body wash is quite the process, but they still end up clean and able to be worn again.
I went to training camp all excited because I had myself neatly packed into my nice little packing cubes. Tops in one, bottoms in another and last but not least, the necessaries in another. I thought that I had myself all prepared and squared away for the week, but little did I know how unprepared I really was.
I totally packed with the mentality of good ole church camp. You know, where you wear one thing to get dirty in, but then dinner rolls around and you put on something nice and smell fresh. Epic fail. That wasn’t the case.
I definitely ran out of athletic, sure I don’t mind being sweaty in these, awesome they don’t swarm me to the point of claustrophobia clothes by Wednesday and we had to make it through Sunday. Let me tell you the disappointment that sat in when I realized how slacker of a packing job I had done; I’m usually an over-packer.
So what did I do? I whipped out the body wash, got my dirty clothes and went to washing them in the sink, wrung them out and hung them up to dry. Did they smell awkward and less like home? Why yes they did. They actually smelled like someone that might have taken a shower in the forest. I’m just guessing on that one. Either way, awkward smell or not, they still served their purpose in the end. I had plenty of clothes to make it the rest of the week.
Doing laundry in the sink and wearing those clothes again without them being “officially” cleaned was a big deal for me. It was yet another lesson in the “really though?” realm.
I have clean, running water any time I want it. I have soap anytime I want it. I have enough clothes to wear clean ones while I’m washing the dirty ones. I am blessed to have the life I have with the freedoms I have, and I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s true, I live a life of entitlement.
My prayer is that God breaks me of that over this next year with the things He puts before me every single day. That I would recognize I truly don’t deserve anything I have, even my own life, but I do because of His grace and mercy. That I would not only know it but that I would acknowledge it and live by it.
6. I've learned that it is possible to coexist with 12 other girls in one room, sharing 1 shower and 2 sinks and not have any drama. Didn't know a realm like this existed, but I love it, new favorite realm that I want all other girls in the world to visit.
Upon arriving to training camp we were given this glorious option of either pitching our tents for the week, staying in a rustic cabin or staying in an air conditioned cabin. I know it's completely unexpected, but my choice was the air conditioned cabin for the week. I thought it might make the GA weather a little more bearable for the week. So I quickly select my bed, it was perfect, mainly because it was a bed. It was one of the beds that wasn't bunked which is glorious for a tall person. I used to be the girl that either fell off the top bunk of the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night or left camp with a bruised forehead from sitting up one too many times on the bottom bunk. Also, I have great placement, it's in this nice corner with lots of shelves and cabinets and next to the sink! Happy day, convenience is all around me!
Just a quick tidbit about me. I've never shared a room before and have only had to share a bathroom for one year (outside of sharing one with the brother growing up). I am the girl that pays the extra rent to have my own room and bedroom. I like my space. I like that I don't have to worry about anyone else's idea of cleanliness.
Back to the cabin. The AC was awesome...for the one whole day it worked. The rest of the week we lived in a cinder block hotbox, there was no escaping the sweat. You went to bed sweaty and woke up sweaty. That's neat right? You get used to it. My absolute favorite part, that I wasn't expecting, was that there were 12 other girls in there. We had one bathroom with one shower and commode, one mirror and three sinks. Did you know that there wasn't a single fight all week? We shared! We all got along, we all really enjoyed being around each other!
I loved the talks we got to have, getting splashed with water from the ridiculously powerful sinks cause it was funny, Jeannie's funk butt keeping my nice clean bed in order, April's stuff slowly migrating over onto my bed, and my favorite was finding someone's socks from the campout in the bottom of my sleeping bag (they were still wet and wow did they have some stank!) when I got home.
You think I'm joking or being sarcastic, but I'm not. I loved being in community with women that are my age and enjoying every minute of it knowing that I wasn't going to have to deal with childish drama or people being inconsiderate or selfish.
I've enjoyed a bed, living in AC and sleeping a full night, but I miss sweating it up in style with my cabin girls!
7. I learned really quickly that if you want to eat, you will eat whatever is in front of you. Regardless of culture, or caloric intake, you will eat it. Otherwise, you're gonna be hungry and it's your own fault for not being thankful you even have food.
Many of you have probably seen my pictures on Facebook by now of the foods that we were able to experience this past week. It was fun coming to breakfast every morning to learn what our new cultural norm of the dining hall was going to be that day. Even though our cultural norms changed every day, the purpose of our meals did not.
Yes, the thought of eating cultural food was hard. Mainly because I'm an American and I come from a place that consumes 60% of the food in the world and has high rates of obesity related issues. But once we learned how important food really is going to be over the next eleven months it changed everything.
It shuts up your complaining of hunger really quick when you learn that most of the communities and families that you will be working with wants nothing more than to be a servant to you by feeding you. That their graciousness pours from their hands to your mouth as they buy the food, toil in the kitchen, dish it up and present it to you. They want nothing more than for you to be fulfilled by what they have put in front of you. Yes, what you get you may not like, or be able to pronounce or in some cases your gag reflex might get tested at the very sight/smell of it, but you will appreciate it.
Your appreciation comes from knowing their heart's desire in preparing this meal. Knowing that they themselves and most likely their own children still haven't eaten because you haven't and won't until you are fulfilled. Knowing that they may find their validity in preparing a meal that you can enjoy in community inside their home.
It all comes down to this. Your only job in the situation is not to figure out if it works for your diet plan or count up the caloric intake or make sure that you get a better portion than the person next to you. Your job is to accept what is put before you with grace and do so with a grateful heart. I promise you if you do that, you'll realize you're sitting at a table that is worthy of the King and you're lucky you get to sit at His table.
When's the last time you ate with a grateful heart and not just a prayer preceding the first bite?
